Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Overall I feel blank, I don't know how I am, or what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. Healthwise we seem to have hit a dead end, apparently my fibromyalgia is just getting worse. Where does that stop?
I've just got back from church group, so I should be feeling refreshed and fired up, pity feelings don't behave in the way they're supposed to eh? We were looking at John 4-5, two healings, so discussion was on healing. Yay. Just what I want to sit through. Yes, ok, I should have been joining in, I tried, but my brain feels so fogged up right now. There was an awful lot of theorising going on, which always annoys me. I know it shouldn't, but it does, it's easy to be dismissive of "suffering" in theory, but then it's easy for me to be a spaceman in theory, it doesn't mean I'd have a clue how to drive a spaceship. (Possibly a poor analogy? I plead brain fog). I didn't really have the words to defend myself, or put my point across. Though at one point I nearly cried. Particularly when one person kept trying to edge towards the sickness = you've sinned in some way argument. Yes I know I'm a sinner, but I'm also a forgiven sinner, through putting my trust in Jesus, who died for me, for us, to pay the price for our sins.
I just knitted (it was that or fall asleep). I did manage to forget my pattern but my amazing friend Fran texted me the details of the pattern I needed, now I just need to work out why I've got 4 more stitches on one side of my gusset than the other. Well done me!
Feel a bit better for "saying" all that anyhow, once upon a time Amy and I would have discussed it afterwards and I would have felt like I had an ally. Oh well, onwards, if not actually upwards.
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Originally uploaded by foggyknitter
So I suppose this is why Opal call line of their yarn "Neon". It totally is, so cool! These are the latest pair of socks I started making, the ones I um... didn't quite mean to start. It just sort of happened. Yarn fumes.
For those with an interest in such matters, they are Broadripple from Knitty.com
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
I've already reached a point of being too stressed to sleep, within about two hours of their return and am working hard on unwinding and chilling out. I dread tomorrow, I am already eyeing up coffee shops to disappear to for the morning and already feeling guilty for considering it and leaving my dad holding the baby as it were; feels like a coward's way out. We shall see.
So, how do you keep hope alive in hard times and hard situations like this? How to survive? Mercifully I bought Matt Redman's new album on itunes earlier today (how wonderful is internet retail? No longer need energy to shop!) and the God focussed lyrics are helping so much. I increasingly feel like God is the only sanity in this mad, mad world. When I was despairing at Him just now He gently reminded me that His grace is sufficient for each day, like Corrie ten Boom's railway ticket, He gives me the grace I need to survive each day when I need it, fresh each day, like the Manna in the desert.
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning" Lamentations 3.22-3
Living with faith and trusting God seem to be a constant struggle and fight, each day, to believe and with God to get through the day somehow. This morning's verse from "Morning and Evening" (Spurgeon) was encouraging though:
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
"You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory." Psalm 73.23-4
I leave you with the chorus of the last song on the Matt Redman album which has been calming me now, the verses of which are a new setting of "My hope is built on nothing less".
"When the mountains are falling,
When the waters are rising,
I shall be safe in you.
Though the nations are quaking
Every kingdom be shaken
Still I will rest in you."
A song truly worth singing.