Dear Amy,

I know you can't actually read this, but I'm writing anyway because there's so much stuff I'm longing to say to you but can't. It's been what, nearly 3 weeks? That's a record in non-communication in the admittedly short time we've known one another, you went to Spain last year for about 10 days and I remember counting the days down. I'm missing you, hardly surprising really, all those silly little everyday communications, like how the heel flap on my Jitterbug socks has striped in this amazing way so that every second stripe is red. It looks like it's going to be enough for a complete pair of socks too, I know you were worried for your pink socks. So I could have given you the other skein I've got, did I ever say that to you? I was planning to, that if I hadn't touched it you could have it to make yourself some socks because you loved the colours so much. I remember you sitting in Nero mesmerised by the colours as I knitted.

It was funny but there came a point during your funeral, when the vicar talked about Lazarus rising again from the tomb, where I expected you to come back. For that instant it seemed the next logical thing, there you'd be, in your brown coat, smiling, saying that no, you were back and that the nightmare wasn't real. And we'd all celebrate and go to the pub and everything would be back to how it was. But then I realised it was all for real, that you were gone, that Lazarus rose again, but you weren't going to. The nightmare is reality, not a dream.

Overall I think you would have liked your funeral, it was a very warm occasion. Afraid I didn't sing much during the songs, too choked up, except during "Be thou my vision", that one always makes me feel encouraged and hopeful. You would have been proud of your dad and brothers, what they said was just right, and Jenny, so brave, managed to talk without crying. She was wearing a gorgeous dress, not a klingon outfit I'm afraid. For the record I never disliked your clunky shoes, they were part of you and I'm sure I won't stop looking for a new pair for you everytime I go near a shoe shop for quite a while to come.

I'm sorry we only had one of your birthdays but two of mine in the time I knew you, feels like I cheated, also emphasises how little time we knew one another, but I guess it's quality not quantity right? I had some yarn waiting for your birthday, from Fyberspates (in the sale I'm afraid, but I always feel that means I can give more for my money). It was a tough decision between the plums and red colourway and the pinks and purples colourway, I went for the latter in the end, because it had less blue in it. At least that's not a problem for you anymore? Now I think I'll make your mum something with it as a present, either the Forest Canopy Shawl (I'm making one and I think you were considering it at some point this year) or the Branching out scarf, I'll swatch and see which looks best in the yarn.

Actually that yarn was about the second or third thing I thought of in the first shocked moments after I spoke to your mum, silly really, but I don't suppose any of us are that rational at such a time. At first I couldn't believe it, it sounded like news from another world, but I had a strange sense that it was something I had already heard, in another time and place, all at the same time. Well you always knew I was odd! Then I thought about how when I died you'd be there to meet me and how much I was looking forward to seeing you again, I still am.

In the meantime I miss you, still not entirely convinced it's all sunk in, that you are truly gone and not coming back. Everyone keeps saying it will get better in time (heck I've said it to other people too... groan I do give crap counsel), but that doesn't really help now. I hope you're happy with Jesus, I can't see how you wouldn't be, and enjoying all those wonderful promises.

""Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21

"And I—in righteousness I will see your face;
when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness." Psalm 17

They're more to remind me than you, because you can see His face now, must be amazing. Awful though my memory is I pray I never forget you and what you have taught me (and are still teaching me) about life and Jesus.

lots of love, your friend

Stephanie